The Burden of High Expectations: A Confession.

​The day I lost my spark, the world went empty. Souls that were once filled with hope and eyes that once burned with excitement suddenly turned hollow.

The more I realized what was happening, the worse I felt.

I was lost. I had drifted so far away from who I was supposed to be that I could barely recognize myself.

“What brought you this far away?”

I wish I knew. I was trapped in a haze of confusion. My mind pushed beyond a boundary I couldn't describe, couldn't understand, or maybe, simply refused to face. But after days of self-doubt, I finally arrived at the one word that represented everything.

Failing.

What hurt the most wasn’t what happened to me. It was what I did to the people who placed their hope in my hands. I was selfish. I put myself first without any real priority, blinded by my own hype. I was overjoyed with my past success, and I let my guard down. It was entirely my fault.

“A winner is just a failure who tried one more time.”

I don’t doubt that. I’ve felt that harsh truth before. But right now, the disappointment in the room speaks louder than any of those quote. I was prepared to fall. What I wasn’t prepared for was the devastation I would create, the look on the faces of those who held such high expectations for me.

Why did I let this happen?

I refuse to shift the blame onto anyone else. Trying to make excuses only makes the guilt heavier. I just need to sit here and rethink everything. I am lost, but I know one thing: I never want to cause this kind of disappointment again. I didn't push myself this far in life just to let everyone down in the end.

I promised myself I would come back stronger. Better.

Because I can't bear to face that look of disappointment ever again, I am starting over. I am rebuilding from the very beginning. I had to learn the hard way that I cannot be good at everything all at once.

 In order to gain something meaningful, you have to sacrifice something else.

I realize now that I was promising too much. Not through words, but through the actions that built their trust in the first place. And when I stumbled, things broke. Things were no longer the same.

I failed.

Who is ever going to believe in me again?

When they kindly say, “It’s okay, we can try again,” it crushes me even more. I never wanted them to carry that weight. I want them to know it isn't their fault— it's mine. I was the selfish one. I wasted the potential they saw in me.

Now, all that's left is to prove, through the slow work of starting over, that their initial belief in me wasn't a mistake. I am truly sorry to those people, and to myself. Please, bertahan ya.