Suicide Prevention Month

Finally—September.

TW ⚠️ (Suicide)

A suicide prevention month. Do people ever wonder why do people do this and that? why?

The pain. It never stops. Never end. And finally, eating us inside. We never actually asked to be dead. We want this pain to go away. We just don’t find the right solution on how do we get out from this world. We’re clueless, we want to start a new life—but who are we to do that? Starting a new life cost everything too, and there’s no guarantee that a new life will never had a pain that we suffer.

“Everyone has a problem too”

They say. Yeah, of course. I don’t say anything about other people doesn’t have a problem. It just individual mindset. Sometimes people are too clueless to find coping mechanism to stop the pain. Often thinking ending is the only option left (+ it’s easier too).

After surviving a few failed attempts, I still don’t know if I’m truly grateful I’m still here or nah. The good part is I get to experience life with bunch of new things. Exploring new places, trying new foods, explore new things, having a new hobby. Yet, at the same time the pain is still here—with me. Sometimes, I would put all of the pain away, by doing some new activities i discovered. But also sometimes, I sat on the corner and cry, over the same pain I’ve always gone through (even they say don’t cry over a spilled milk).

I do asked myself, why would I cry for the same thing over and over again—even after a decade?

I also sometimes sat on the corner thinking—would life be different if my attempts succeeded? What if lobotomy was still normalised till now? (might write another blog for this one)

People will only grieve for awhile. They’ll absolutely forget about me and go through their day as usual. Even on my first attempt—no one seems to care. Worst, I notice myself attempting for validation, but after knowing they don’t care, I stopped. I never actually know what I’m looking for. Attention? New life? Well, I don’t know.

I forced myself learning psychology behind all of this to understand myself and others better. Actually the results turned out pretty well. I now can regulate my own emotions more easily than before. I can read the room. I know when to stop. I know what to do when my mind gets miserable.

At the end, life didn’t stop if you do so. Life will only stop for you, not for others—atleast what I’ve thought.

For all the survivors out there, the one who suffering. I pray the best for yall. We’ll get this together. Let’s break the stigma and share awareness about mental health more to the world.